day 28
Wow, it’s been four weeks since the dumping. Four weeks since I poured my heart out. Four weeks since I accepted that ride home that would change everything. Four weeks is not a long time.
Well you didn’t talk to me last night although you were out getting drunk, I guess that makes things easier and clearer perhaps. Or maybe not. I miss you, I miss your stupid drunken phonecalls at 3am when you used to fall asleep mid sentence and start your adorable snoring.
I miss us.
You don’t miss us.
The night is still young, theres still 6 hours left of day 28.
Maybe I’ll see you tonight, I guess not.
day 27
It’s weird. Today you disgusted me. I know it’s normal behaviour for a guy to say how hot he finds a girl, but the way you did it was so disgusting. Tweeting it so everybody could see, like you were so proud. It’s like the first sign that you don’t care about me anymore, that they are better. That i am nothing to you anymore. You’ve moved on so easy. I haven’t.
It’s going to be the same story. Like you did with me. You saw her, like you saw me. You wanted her, like you wanted me. You’re going to chase her, like you did with me. And you’re going to get her. And you’ll keep her this time, not like what you did to me. One of the contributing factors to this must be my age. I hate my current age. Being 17 kills me. I’d do anything to be that extra bit older, maybe then life wouldn’t be so fucking hard.
So aside from you being repulsive, I still want you. It doesn’t matter what you do, I’m still waiting for that drunken text or that cheeky reply to something that happened. Even if you mean it in a completely friendly way, it gives me hope that you might want me back. Even just a little bit.
However theres him. And when you’re not there he replaces that part of you that I crave. But he doesn’t see me the way you saw me. You were genuine and passionate. He’s just empty and using, not that he realises it. I know it’s my own fault. Getting involved with him meant that I was going to be hurt at the end of it. He makes it better in the short term. Takes away the constant ache I feel. But when he’s gone and when you’re gone, I feel nothing but pain.
The pain is almost tangible. It’s unbearable and is slowly bringing me down to a place where I don’t want to be. It may sound ridiculous but this is how I feel.
And I realised for the first time in my life tonight that I am infact a really lonely person. I crave love. And is that wrong? Who doesn’t want to be loved?
All I know is I’m going to get hurt even more. And I’m letting it happen. But like I said before, living a lie was so much better than facing the cold hard truth. It punched me in the face a million times over, it repeats itself every damn moment of the day and I can’t get rid of it.
I’m not over you. Although
you’re over me.
Part of me is done with you. And part of me is begging to have you back.
I’ve never been happier than I was with you. My life was stable and happy. The pressure was gone and I felt nothing but love. Now all I feel is pain. Pain from you leaving me, pain from trying to make things better and pain from feeling unwanted. Unwanted is exactly what I am.
I love you. Don’t forget me. I won’t forget so easily, so why should you?
day 26
So today was a weird one. I never saw you but I didn’t feel the urge so much at all. Probably because I knew that she was working, and hey, why bother competing when I know that she’s better for you than I am?
Right now I’m talking to you, but you’re different. More relaxed yet holding back. I feel like everything is a contradiction with you. One day your interest is sublime and the next you avoid me to the point of ridiculousness. It makes no sense.
Your intentions are no longer clear and it’s exhausting. At least before I was with you, even if you treated me like shit. Well maybe that’s a bit far, you just didn’t know how to manage yourself although your heart was in the right place.
I still love you. Even if you don’t love me.
Remember that.
day 25
So today was better. Life wasn’t so tough all of a sudden. I knew I’d be seeing you, the thought of it just makes me nervous. When I originally lock eyes with you I feel sick, I can see you coming closer but there is nothing there to help me out…just you and I and I need to think of my feet without getting lost in you. I couldn’t say anything, you looked and me and I looked at you. You walked on by without a care in the world but I was mid speech and stopped talking. You control my every move. That’s how much you effect me.
Later I saw you again, you were upstairs with that brilliant smile on your face as usual and looking ridiculously attractive with your new haircut and stubble on your face - I wondered if you had the stubble because you knew I liked it or because you chose to, the latter was the more obvious point. And for a while life seemed less complicated, it was like old times…just you and me, us. And it felt like we were still dating or something, the connection is unbearable and I can’t help but wonder if you feel it to. You tell me about your college and plans for the week and I can’t help myself but get lost listening to you. And then you leave me, and it hurts like crazy. Yes you had to leave but it feels horrible again, like you have left me. Like I’m insignificant to you, like you don’t care. I just want you back, I want old times back and I want everything to be perfect like it was. Scratch that…it wasn’t perfect, it was agony but perfect agony. At least then I felt something, now I’m just numb.
I get horribly jealous when I see you chatting away to other girls. I know that they’re just your friend, just like I am…or I should be…to you but it hurts to know that they are more important that I am or ever was. Tomorrow will be tough because she is on shift. She is older than me, more beautiful than me and perfect for you and you’re going to get together and it’s going to happen right in front of me and I will lose everything. I can’t blame you, she’s a lovely girl but don’t hate me for being upset or jealous. I miss you. SO SO much. The ten minutes I get to see you on my shift is not enough. I miss your charm, the charm you used to get with me in the first place and the charm I watch you use on everyone without knowing it. I miss your sense of humour, you make me laugh even when I’m probably not meant to. I miss your lips, you were the best, everything I could have wanted.
I know all this pain will go away, and the hatred that is in the back of my mind will eventually be erased. But part of me doesn’t want it to. It’s letting me hold onto you, an important factor to me. I don’t want to let you go. I love you and want you to be happy, and I’ve let you go physically but mentally i’m so attached to you…you’re my better half.
I want you to remember that day we walked along the river…please remember it…
I will never forget. In fact the scars are still on my body.
I love you.
And I want you back.
Show me a sign, give me a hint, anything.
day 24
So here I am. We’ve been apart now for 24 days which feels like a complete lifetime. I know that you have been thinking about me, as I have of you, even if it’s not in the same ways. I miss you. So so much. And it might not look that way to an outsider…I’m currently hanging about with one of your best work colleagues and I know that it looks like I’ve moved on but in all honesty. I haven’t.
Crying was the first step. Even when we broke up I didn’t cry, I tried to stay strong because I had to keep a brave face - to show that you didn’t hurt me. I’d convinced myself that I was fine, but I’m not fine, not at all. My heart breaks everytime I look at you and I’m honestly lost without you.
When I’m with him he numbs the pain for a while, like Jacob does to Bella in Twilight. But you are like a drug to me. Yes, perhaps I can be weaned off you but right now you are all that I want and need. I have a sudden desperation for you, it’s so sudden and full. I can’t even begin to explain how I feel. I’m addicted. You are my own personal brand of heroin. I need you, I crave you, I want you back in my life.
And I said to myself…maybe having a little piece of you, just as a friend is enough. And it will be…it would be. However we can’t even say a few words to one another without thinking about the situation and that needs to be sorted. I want to kiss you, cuddle you and make you feel good…I know I could if you would just let me.
Sometimes I wonder if you really did just “not have time” for us, or perhaps it was more that you don’t like me in that way. Either way kills, but the latter is like a bullet to my brain.
You once said that you thought I was so beautiful and that you “could barely control yourself around me” but now the thought of even coming upstairs, with a chance of seeing me throws you. I’m stuck in this limbo. This horrible, horrible place.
I just love you. Like so much.
No matter how much you hurt me, I always will love you.
Sorry.
